The Fear of Commitment

*Before I get started, I want to add a disclaimer to my blog. I realized that roughly two-thirds of the section on ‘Romantic Relationships in Early Adulthood’ in the text is dedicated to homosexual relationships. I generally try to stick to what I know when providing commentary, and I know this about romantic relationships between lesbians or gay males: absolutely nothing. So basically, I just wanted to establish that- from this point forward- it is implied that I am discussing ‘heterosexual’ romantic relationships in early adulthood. Also, logic says this blog should address the ‘need’ for relationships, and the subject of ‘commitment’ should come later. But, for whatever reason, this topic just seemed to be where the creative juices were flowing, so I went with it. Now with that being said...*

Commitment…very few words in the English language strike more fear into the hearts of young adults than this one (or at least it seems that way). Virtually every young person I know (myself included) claims to suffer from ‘commitment phobia.’ Now are we being honest with ourselves when we make this claim? Or is it conceivable that we’re not half as afraid of commitment as we would like to think and saying otherwise serves as nothing more than a (convenient) defense mechanism to mask some underlying fear (whatever that may be)? But let’s give ourselves the benefit of the doubt and assume we really do fear commitment like the Bubonic Plague. Why is that? Well, I’ll attempt to answer that question with what insight I have (and as we established previously, that isn’t a lot) and I’ll also throw myself under the microscope because, in the end, I can really only speak for myself. And remember- most of what I'm going on is based on perception and opinion, not fact.

Before I proceed to what I'll call 'the Usual Suspects' of excuses, *ahem* reasons, for why we're so damn afraid of commitment, I'll begin by identifying some contextual factors which might be relevant to the topic. Let's start with societal factors or, specifically, the Sexual Revolution. Generally speaking, women now have much the same educational and professional goals as men; so for many young adults of both sexes school and a career take priority over the prospects of a romantic relationship. Consequently, committed relationships are put on hold until some stability can be maintained, something which may not occur until well into one's thirties (see: the continual rise in the average age of marriage). Additionally, the Sexual Revolution brought about feelings of sexual empowerment for women and many have adopted what is a perceived 'male perspective' on relationships (though I would say they're still the minority)...they view relationships strictly as a means to meet physical needs, but they choose to avoid any emotional commitment. Exposure to certain environmental factors during childhood, such as divorce or the absence of a parent, could naturally lead to a pessimistic view of relationships as an adult. I also think it should be acknowledged (though it might not be a contextual factor, per se) that everyone has different needs regarding intimacy. Some peoples' entire existence seems predicated on it (I'm sure you all know someone who just can’t handle being alone and, even when they aren’t in a committed relationship, always have someone in the picture). Conversely, some people don't particularly need it at all and seem content with being alone. There are undoubtedly other important factors I neglected to mention, but for now I want to address a few specific reasons young adults fear commitment. Now obviously, everyone has their own reason...or two...or three; but from my experience these seem to be the most common.

The Usual Suspects

1. “I can’t be with just one person.”

I’m not going to say whether this attitude is most prevalent among guys or girls because, well, I don’t know the answer. Conventional wisdom says guys have a bigger problem with this, and I would tend to agree…at least from a ‘physical’ standpoint. For many guys (even the ones with seemingly perfect girlfriends), the temptation of something new and exciting often proves too much to resist. Now I’m sure some of this is relative to the guy...some are going to be happy with whatever they can get and they would never be foolish enough to screw it up. But if a guy CAN hop from one girl to the next with ease, I suppose he is going to be more inclined to do so. What if you’re a male celebrity? I can honestly say that if I were John Mayer, for instance, I would be commitment-phobic too. Think about it: if the likes of Jennifer Anniston and Jessica Simpson are at your disposal, would you ever stay with one girl for too long? Nope, didn’t think so. But since, obviously, I’m not John Mayer this isn’t as much of an issue for me, is it? I’m just an average guy and I can say that my fear of commitment isn't necessarily related to monogamy (though I would be lying if I were to say this was never the case...but I’ve grown up) or the thought, “Is this the only person I’m going to be with for the rest of my life?” I can live with that (I think…). My fears lie elsewhere, but we’ll get there. Now just as it is difficult for many guys to be committed to just one girl in a ‘physical’ sense, I think it is difficult for many girls to be committed in an ‘emotional’ sense. Let’s face it: girls need to be loved and adored more than guys do…much more (a guy is generally more concerned with his physical needs). And I think that sometimes, probably a lot of the time; girls seek the affection of multiple guys because being ‘loved’ by one just isn’t enough. To complicate matters, girls with boyfriends often rationalize this behavior as being acceptable because they don't see it as infidelity. But it is what it is, regardless of whether or not it is of the emotional or physical variety (and emotional eventually leads to physical anyway, so the end result is the same). But ultimately, and for whatever reason, many young adults can't seem to find contentment in just one person. Does the concept of monogamy just defy human nature? Or is this just the nature of relationships in a modern-day society? Your guess is as good as mine.

2. “But what if my soul mate is out there and I never find them because I’m in a relationship with this person.”

Excuse me while I go to the bathroom and throw up…okay, I’m back now. Since I find this philosophy utterly preposterous, I’m not even going to try to analyze it…I’m just going to bash it. And I’m going to solely target girls with this little diatribe, but not every girl- if you’re a female and you don’t subscribe to this way of thinking this isn’t directed at you. But for the ones who do, I want to ask: are you ever going to graduate from adolescence to adulthood? Because in addition to being entirely unrealistic and bordering on delusional, it is indeed a very ‘adolescent’ perspective on relationships. Here’s the deal and I’m sorry to break it to you: there is no such thing as a ‘soul mate.’ There is no one you are cosmically destined to be with. Furthermore, there is no perfect guy out there who can read your mind and do all the things you think he is supposed to be able to do. There is no such thing as a fairy tale- that’s why they make movies. Let me be even more frank: if you are reading this I assume you believe in some sort of deity, as 96% of the population does (if you don’t and that assumption offends you…sorry). And in that assumption, it could also be assumed you believe everything happens by God’s will. In other words, if there are soul mates it is by God’s creation. Well, I doubt God is really too interested in whether or not you find your own personal “Sleepless in Seattle”…I’m sure he would rather you serve and worship him. And if soul mates do exist and ‘Lucky You’ finds yours, who are you really going to be worshiping? Reality is this: relationships are hard work. And if you make a habit of running away from them every time they get difficult because you think there is something better out there (i.e. your soul mate), you’re going to spend your entire life running. But with that, I’ll get off my soap box.

*I’m not at all a religious zealot- in fact; I haven’t been to church since Easter. I just used that to try to prove a point*

3. “I don’t want to have to answer to anyone.”

Finally, we arrive at ‘my’ issue with commitment, so I’ll just use myself as the example while sorting this out. Alright, we’re going to imagine that I’ve settled into a relationship with one person (who isn’t my soul mate), and I’m content in that respect. But I start to have this uneasy feeling: have I totally given up my freedom? After all, I now have another person to consider when I make my decisions. And I certainly don’t want to be selfish and act in any manner which would be inconsiderate of my girlfriend’s feelings. But with that being said, here’s the type of conversation I would inevitably stumble into: “Hey baby! I saw you called…I guess you were worried. Anyway, I’m actually in Topeka, Kansas right now. I have no idea why, really. My buddy and I were just bored and felt like driving; and you know me and my poor impulse control! We may just keep going…I don’t know. I’m really sorry I can’t make it to your mother’s funeral today. Could you just sign my name to a card or something? Oh yeah, I hope that awards ceremony goes well. I know how important it is to you. Anyway, I’ll talk to you later.” Okay, I’m really not a terrible person and I would never actually do or say anything that extreme. But here is my point: I like to do whatever I want, whenever I want, and I don’t really want to have to consider someone else when I do whatever that is. I’ve been like that since childhood and I suppose one could use the Life Course Perspective to make sense of it. From adolescence onward, you could say my parents were less than authoritative. They had relatively few rules, and I had no qualms about breaking those. This behavior spilled over into school, where I spent more time in the principal’s office than the classroom. And though early adulthood has forced me to modify this behavior to an extent, it’s obviously still present in some capacity. But here’s the bottom-line: I’ve never really answered to anyone or conformed to anyone else’s standards of socially acceptable behavior; however, a committed relationship asks me to do that. So naturally I shy away from them. But, admittedly, this attitude has created problems in every aspect of life- not just in romantic relationships- so I understand a change is warranted. And I’ve worked hard to make improvements, and I think I’m coming along quite nicely (but then again, I would…).

4. “I’m afraid of getting hurt.”

Yeah, so is everybody. Get over it. If we weren’t willing to take risks we’d never go anywhere in life. That isn’t a lazy response…it’s just really all that comes to mind.