Let me begin by saying this blog will be short and sweet…well, at least when compared to the previous two. And, once again, I have decided to defy the logical order and skip the ‘why’ question of relationships (I guess you never know which the direction the creative winds are going to turn). With this blog I want to address one of the biggest obstacles encountered by young adults venturing the rocky roads of romantic relationships. That is the issue of ‘losing yourself’ in a person, or- to be a little less dramatic- the ‘loss of identity.’ I’m going to throw out a simple movie quote which has become ingrained in popular culture over the last ten years or so…“You complete me.” This seemingly-innocent little saying uttered near the end of ‘Jerry McGuire’ has become a catchphrase for wannabe hopeless romantics everywhere; it has also encouraged a rather dangerous mode of thought on relationships. Ask yourself: what does this phrase imply? Well, to me it serves the notion that one is only ‘half a being’ without that person who completes them. So what if you never find them? Do you then go through life as half a person, living half a life? Well, if you subscribe to that thought it would seem you do. But let’s assume you do find this person who ‘completes’ you and now you spend your days performing your best Renee Zellwegger impersonation. At that point, can you honestly say you possess some semblance of an identity? You can, but you’d be lying to yourself. So let me propose what I think may be a healthier approach to relationships: think of a significant other as someone who complements you rather than completes you. You could then face the world together but as two separate entities; all while maintaining your sense of identity. Now does this mentality drain some of the perceived ‘closeness’ or ‘intimacy’ from a relationship? It doesn’t for me but, then again, I can only speak for myself. And besides- that is a different topic for a different time.
Now I want to ask: is ‘having stuff in common’ necessarily a good thing? Well…sure it is. However, it is what you have in common that is important…and by ‘what’ I am not talking about having the same favorite band. When I hear someone (while referring to a significant other) say something like, “But we have so much in common,” I think- more often than not- this alludes to having the same interests or likes and dislikes. Now don’t misunderstand me- I don’t think those things should be totally disregarded. However, I’ve always believed- and always will believe- that a more suitable partner is one with whom you share common perspectives, philosophies, and principles. It is someone with whom you share similar life experiences and can relate to on many levels and, from that, form a deep emotional connection. I do not believe it is someone with whom you share similar petty and shallow interests and tastes. So what if you like the same stuff? So what if you listen to the same music and like the same movies? Are these the things that deep-rooted connections are made of? Maybe if you swim in the shallow end of the pool they are, but otherwise I’ll go with ‘no.’ Also, when such things are a couple’s common bond they often times end up spending all their leisure time together because, well, they like to do the same things for fun. But without any personal time, couples easily become enmeshed and, consequently, lose their sense of identity. Additionally, if you have no substantial connection and are unable to relate to that person, how valuable is that time spent together anyway? Interests only go so far, and the perceived lack of identity will eventually lead to resentment and the demise of the relationship. I think it is healthier for couples to have personal time to explore their own separate interests and thus, maintain their sense of individuality. This way, one is able to have the intimacy that we need from a relationship without the fear of 'losing oneself.' Besides, if you have a connection that runs deeper than ‘we have the same favorite book,’ you will grow to enjoy sharing your different interests and tastes with the other person. And after all, how exciting is it to have everything in common anyway?
4 comments:
It is very exciting and ironically something that everyone in life is looking for;whether we want to admit it or not. Everyone wants to be with someone that shares their interests. I have never uttered that pharse 'You complete Me" in my life...the whole saying sounds a little taboo. But I will be honest to admit that I have dreamed of a person that could fill my void, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. I do ask myself whether that person truly exist. Your title is very funny and that is the way we feel when someone has broken it off with us... we feel as if our entire identity has been taken too..that is one of the down falls of trying to hold on to Romance....
My daughter is going through a breakup right now...this very moment...living and breathing the grief of a relationship gone bad. She said they talked about it over lunch and decided it was for the best. She's sad. Then she said she just couldn't handle him shushing her anymore, or doing his laundry, or cleaning for him, or writing his papers, or calling him to wake him up for class, and telling her not to talk so loud in public. So, then I wanted watch his head explode.
I was calm, and listened, and then imagined his other, probably more important appendage, exploding. But somewhere away from her, so she didn't have to clean that up, too.
Her friends didn't like the way he treated her, he was too controlling, he wanted her to wear make-up, wear skirts and dresses more, and ---at this point my brain froze and I was wondering who was on the other end of the phone connection. So, your title made me laugh, too, then die a little inside.
My daughter would say that I am making this about me - she's right. How could this beautiful free-spirited excellent being be brain-snatched? Is there such a thing as relationship trauma by proxy?
I've already made my required comments for the week, but I always come back to this blog and I certainly feel the need to comment, as this is a subject of interest for me, and everyone. I have to agree that a relationship is a partnership between two seperate people, not an enmeshment of some ugly-mutant-siamese-twin kind of "your life is my life" situation. I have totally had relationships where he was expecting me to be his other half and sadly, I have done the same thing myself in other relationships- and guess what, it was a horrible mess! Thats sad idealism and not reality. It makes much more sense to be friends and respect each other's differences and boundaries and likeness, and to celebrate these things. I agree with angelique, that I want someone to fill that void, but I don't want them to consume me like Moby Dick. I mean, I'm still young and I am sure that I have got a lot more to learn about these things, but the relationships that I have been in have spoken volumes to me in practice and ideal, about what to do and what not to do. But then again, I have also been willfully single for the past three years because the whole issue just makes my head hurt.
Greetings Kipp,
I love, love, this title. I now have this notion that romance in early adulthood is indeed early. It can also be superficial and stifling. Actually you appear to be on the right track and I think that you are wise to challenge some of the "myths" about romance and love. Thanks for this post, I will share it with my "young adult" children. Best wishes.
P.S. Get well soon and we miss ya!
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